Song of the day: The Thin Ice - Pink Floyd
Don’t really know what to write today, my mind has been in a million different places lately. I’ve learned how to make myself feel okay, or how to convince myself that I’m okay, and I’m really glad about that. I’m really figuring out who I am and I’m not changing for anybody. And when I say this, I mean personality wise. I like who I am personality wise. But I still do not like who I am physically. I know everyone is uncomfortable to some extent about their physical appearance. Mine has always been unhealthy, and for the past couple months I’ve been sort of numb with my hate and I’ve been pretty okay with my appearance. It’s coming back though, and it’s almost as bad as before. I hate looking in the mirror and I want to break every one I see. It’s real frustrating. But other than that, I’ve been living my life pretty well. I’m a lot stronger now.
The nights are the best. I’m a night owl, I like to do things in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep in dreamland. I like to take walks under the moon alone and let my mind wander to mysterious places. Everything is flipped and I love the feeling.
Dear daddy,
I’m happy. Right at this moment, at this point in my life, I am happy. I am not expecting this to last forever because I’ve learned by now that life is full of unexpected twists of fate. But, I am going to enjoy this. I feel like I have found the key to life, dad, I really do. I’m ashamed for what you had to watch me do to myself this summer but I hope you are proud of me for picking myself up. The Lord and yourself got me out of that. You stood by my side, even thought you’re not really here. But you are. I can feel you. I hope you’re proud of me, I’m so thankful for all I have right now and for the ability God has given me to see what I have to do in life to really live it and be ok.
I miss you a lot.
Love,
Julka
I should be studying right now
I’m just so caught up in life. This feeling is so new for me, I feel like I’ve been reborn and I can be anything I want to be. I can do anything, I have power over my life. I’m expanding my brain and widening my horizons. I feel like there’s an uncontrollable and unexplainable force directing me and showing me things nobody else has ever seen. It’s really trippy, and I’m never even high. That’s just how my brother and I are. We’re different, and we can only talk about this to each other because we know that nobody else we know has experienced it. But it’s because we’re so similar. We both were in similar holes of complete and utter self destruction and we’ve helped each other out of that hole. Our minds work in such a way that it’s most definitely not common and we know that.
Plus, having young love and feeling like I’m in love is also just amazing. Every day gets better and I know one day this will end and I will be in so much pain but it’s worth it. The last year has been the hardest year of my life in every single aspect; family issues, friend issues, self issues, financial issues, just issues issues issues. But now I can feel. I can feel and I feel so thankful for being able to feel. I control my life, I can do whatever I want and only the things I choose to make matter will matter! I am my own person and now that I’ve finally found out who that is, life seems 10x more clear. I wish for everyone to eventually find this because what I have found is worth 100 years of fighting for. This thing I have found has made me WANT to live, to love, to get hurt, to do it all again, to see beautiful places, to meet beautiful souls, to help those I love. To live.
I know I’m only a teenager and he’s only a boy. I’m only 15 and he’s only 16. I know how this works, the whole process of young love and the result of young heartbreak. But that’s not stopping me from letting this feeling access every part of my existence. It’s overflowing me in every way and I can’t stop it. Sad songs are happy and failing a test means nothing; everything is bright and when I’m sad it hurts more but that’s because I have more love flowing through me. I’m going to enjoy this while it lasts. I never understood this feeling at all and I got pissed off when I saw couples being all lovey-dovey and I thought it was all bullshit. But now I understand, I understand how there can be an unspeakable and extraordinary electricity between two individuals that makes them absolutely crazy and mo body but them can ever possibly understand that one of a kind feeling between themselves.
